I was taking a flight somewhere, and I arrived at the airport extremely early, by at least a flight prior to mine or a few hours. I checked my bag, an old blue Samsonite my father gave me in another life, one that I still have, and went to wait in a waiting area.
When the time came to check in, I overheard some attendants in a little kiosk say my name. One was on a video phone call with someone as I approached her and asked what was going on. She asked me if my bag was “the one with a little badge on it”, and I said it was. She told me that it got sent on the previous flight. Even worse, it contained a 10% off coupon for my flight—which was nuts, as the tickets were already paid for. I said I was fine waiting for it to come back: “that’s why I check in for flights five hours early.”
It’s worth noting that this is the very first dream I’ve remembered during the first practice of a “segmented sleep” exercise, which has me going to sleep at 8 PM and waking up around 2 AM for a while before returning to bed. This dream occurred in the first segment.
It’s been more than a week since I requested the extension, and I finally feel like I’m closing in on some kind of end to this project. The last couple of days I’ve been trying “segmented sleep”, where I go to bed around 8PM and wake again in the middle of the night, do a couple hours of work, then go back to sleep until morning. So far it’s seemed to work, as yesterday was far and away the most productive day I’ve had in months.
I’m really praying for some kind of cathartic release once I reach the end of the current iteration of the work. I say “current iteration” because I’ve had to make a lot of compromises on the overall vision to make sure it get submitted before the absolute end of term. Certainly, there’ll be time to refine and improve the work beyond the scope of the FNAT course, though whether I’ll feel the desire to do so remains uncertain.
I’m so very tired, emotionally and physically. I’ve gained about 15 pounds. I haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks. I hope this ends soon.
There were things that worked, and things that didn’t. Obviously, the things that worked were better.
Some days I look at the dead and think: why them, and not me? Then I remember: soon enough.
It’s like asking a 19-year-old “what was it like growing up” as though she’s grown up already and doesn’t still have a couple of decades worth of battles to fight before she starts feeling even vaguely adult. This is an even worse crime than projecting so-called negative or unrealistic beauty standards: giving off the illusion that maturity is something that just automatically comes because you’ve managed to capture a few decent frames with an expensive set of photography tools.
I’m close to the finish line now, just finalizing the audio and text, and polishing out what bugs I have found. Obviously, the largest lesson I’ve learned here is to start production far earlier and work through it piecemeal over a longer stretch of time. I don’t know if it’s how I’m conditioned to develop games, or whether or not the emotional strain of formulating this project has been so immense that it’s somehow crumpled me into this corner. Maybe it’s a combination of the two. Whatever the case, I’ve managed to execute on my vision to a degree that’s “good enough”, and if I feel like it there’s a solid foundation to build upon here.
Drafting my artist statement:
This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, either in terms of game development or academics. I’ve gained a newfound respect for developers who manage to execute on personal artistic projects over pure entertainment products.
I only hope that I can find some small measure of catharsis by releasing this work out into the world.
The piece is meant to represent the various artefacts of my past and present, and draw the connections forward that have resulted from a lack of connection to my ancestral heritage (First Nations, Lower Mohawk).
All text in the museum was generated using the 1,000 most common words in the English language, symbolizing the importance of clear and concise communication.
There are three possible conclusions to the piece.
Thank you for taking the time to experience this work.
Christopher ‘Jack’ Nilssen, April 15, 2016
I think I’m finished. I haven’t eaten or slept well for almost two weeks, but now the fruits of my labor can get published and graded and, most importantly, experienced by anyone who wishes. I don’t know how I feel. I need to sleep, and dream, and see what tomorrow brings.
“She always told me to live in the moment, she just never said which one.”
2016.04.06